Halfway Between the Gutter & the Stars

Not for the faint hearted…..

All hair removal methods have  tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The  Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now wax.
Read  on………

My night began as any other normal  weeknight.
Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the  thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few  hours: “Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine  cabinet.”

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.  It was one of those “cold wax” kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,  you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and  you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else)  and you pull the hair right off.

No mess, no fuss. How hard can  it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined  enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of  the thin strips out. It’s two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (”Cold wax” yeah…right!).

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight  and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it  wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I  am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the  ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet!

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the  right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha  and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long  strip).  I inhale deeply and brace myself….
RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….

OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off  half the strip. Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is  spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums???  Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy  - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain,  with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that  is my triumph over body hair. I hold up  the strip!

There’s no hair on it.

Where is the  hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot  still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should  be on the strip…it’s not! I touch… I am touching wax!!

I  run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is  now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next  BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I  know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out  what to do and think to myself “Please don’t let me get the urge to  poop. My head may pop off!”
What can I do to melt the  wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered  bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,  right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment -  I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then  glued to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water. Which, by  the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.  So, now I’m stuck to the  bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!  God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a  phone put in the bathroom!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.  It’s a very good conversation starter “So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!”

There is a slight  pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does  try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly  where
the wax is located, “Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?”

She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side  of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.  Nothing feels  better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued  shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!!
 
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike  and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress  counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me  when I finally see my saving grace, the lotion they give you to  remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this  point? I rub some on and…
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out  of my friend. It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care.
“IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!”
 

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs  up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice  to my grief and despair …THE HAIR IS STILL THERE…….ALL OF  IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this  point.

Next week I’m going to try hair  colour!…….